Uberman

The first thing you notice about Abuja is the smell. And not ‘smell’ as in “odor”, but more like an aroma distinctive only to Nigeria. I guess most places have their own unique aroma, but if you blindfolded me and sent me to 10 different locations around the world, I would be effective only at telling you which places were not Nigeria.

The second thing is the weather. Coming from Southern California, I’m used to not having seasons, but Abuja is ever the stingy maiden with its offerings. Hot or wet. Sometimes, you get a surprisingly refreshing combination of the two, but no more than that. Have you ever used the A/C in a hurricane? You should try it sometime.

The locals also come in two flavors: rich or impoverished. Both equally accomplished with The Stare. Whether from the backseat of a G-Wagen or the street corner, Nigerians are masterful eye merchants. Hold eye contact with a street hawker just one millisecond over what’s socially acceptable and your car window will be bombarded with hands promoting newspapers, phone cards, chewing gum, street maps, rat poison, Encyclopedia Britannica volumes 18-34, and other useful items for purchase.

The man in the Mercedes is much less courageous. He’ll be the one in the moonshades—sunglasses grafted to the face for use indoors and at night—scoping you out with no awareness on your part. Perhaps he thinks he’s seen you in a terrible movie somewhere. Maybe he wants to encourage you to switch to his bank. Regardless, his modus vivendi is that of the evil sidekick in a James Bond film—always in proximity and strangely observant.

Luckily I’m quite the stare-artist myself. In practice for a little over eight years now, I’m nearing genius level with the eye contact. A style that’s both piercing and unnervingly emotionless—with an unblemished record to boot! Well, except for that one time…

She had piercing grey eyes, faint eyebrows and a well-defined face. Her desk was clear across the classroom from me, (and she was super-hot), so I was a bit unsettled to catch her already staring in my direction. (Bell rings. Let’s get in on!) There wasn’t much to do but stare back. And I did, for what felt like days. Finally, I became uncomfortable and looked away. When I looked back up at her she was already focused on the lecture.

And she never looked at me EVER again.

Maybe I should get some moonshades.

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Awesome Ethnic Music Video of the Day

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What Else I’m Listening To

Tagged: abuja, Tagged: goats, Tagged: stare, Tagged: obi okorougo, Tagged: eye contact, Tagged: music